If I would have known, I would make the memories last a little longer. Maybe more laughter.
If I know you wouldn’t be here, I wouldn’t have guessed it. I always thought you would be here. But now, it’s seasons changing here on my own, and one thing that isn’t changing now, the emptiness feeling. The exact feeling when I go to bed convincing myself you are there sleeping. The feeling of deep slumber, a sweet lie and never ending new memories made kind of sleep. The empty feeling when my bed is the only way to relive the moment and the only time that you are alive. The empty feeling where I try so hard to convince myself that you’re out and about during the time of the day and with much persuasion, I fall for the lies I tell myself.
I convince myself that in this empty house of mine, you are there, just in different rooms during different hours of the day. A lie that I seek comfort in. A lie that brings you alive. A lie that blinds me from the harsh reality. A lie that is keeping ME alive.
And what’s keeping me alive, should be remembered (:
Remember that time, when I’m hungry and no matter the hour or day, I always go to bed with a happy stomach because of you. Or that time, when you always stock up on my favourite food because you knew I always liked it. Or the times when you saw me crying in my room over a heartbreak and got me ice cream? Even if you are a misogynist, an old school driven by patriarchy, you try to understand at times. Even when you did not fancy the person I dated, yet you have always treated them with respect and accepted them into the family even when they do not deserve the love you give. Thank you for telling me you did not like the men I have dated after the breakups. I wake up every morning to breakfast and coffee made by you, even when I leave for work. You still make time to bring me over lunch even when I’m old enough to my workplace and young enough in my school. You never made me wait and always picked me up on time and the reason you gave is “women should never wait, it’s not safe”. Quite a soft hearted misogynist you are. Although I never liked that part, everything else about you is always loved. Oh! Remember that day you brought me for a ride on your bike and we spotted cows and just because you knew I like them you waited beside them so I could talk to the cows? I would love to go on the bike with you again. Old or young I still wrap my hands around you because you have always kept me safe. You wake me up most mornings and bring me for breakfast. I’m sorry you had to handle the “not brushing teeth, just woke up from bed” groggy person but you always laughed about it. Never once you complained that I was a “detty pig”. You learnt how to cook just so you and I could eat during lunch time. You’re always full of surprises like the times when I would be going out and I discover money in my wallet, knowing it was empty the night before. You always said “she’s the most poorest child I have. Her wallet is so empty even the beggars have more money than her” and sneakily slip in some cash. I always laugh about it and continue telling every person I meet about your quirks. Like that time when you talked about your past that involved your ex lover, which made my friends laugh. You never fail to make anyone laugh. That’s you. You have always been this extrovert sometimes introvert (when there’s no alcohol involved hahaha) and making friends with everyone you meet. A friend of mine from school said,
“I remember when my parents were late to pick me up and it was already 6PM in the evening. I saw him coming on his bike and he stopped in front of me and asked where were my parents and I replied they were coming. Next thing I knew he waited with me until my parents showed up. I thank him since that day”.
Thinking about that, made my heart melt. I knew you always cared, just that you have a very funny way of showing it. Like that time, when you had one to many drinks and came back home slightly drunk but full of energy and started to declare your love for me. “You are the most beautiful daughter and appa love you”. I would always confront you the next day and you will reply with your usual, “memory loss”. You never like admitting, especially when you’re wrong. Maybe it makes you feel weak? After all, tata (grandpapa) has always taught you “men shouldn’t show emotions” rule back then.
Oh! Oh! And remember that one time…….
Maybe the sweetest lie can be a peach. The lies build from this emptiness can be one of the best things to happen too. Yes, it does not change the fact that you’re gone and the tears still roll down. But just like a rainbow after a thunderstorm, the lips etches into a smile remembering. You’re still alive and well through the memories. I’m still alive and well, remembering. And maybe someday we both will be remembered (:
For you have raised the bar high for any lover to always respect and love me the way I deserved to be loved.
Always loved and remember,
TO : Appa (A Father)
13 October 2021
FROM : Your difficult but loving daughter 💙