Last words.

“I’m sorry everyone” was titled on the perfectly folded paper on the desk beside the fallen body of mine. I could see the look on their faces. Bare. Pale. Dead. I was just standing there watching them holding the paper, hands shaking unable to open the letter I left for them.

Dear everyone,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that our journey together with everyone has come to an end for me. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to see the baby walk. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to see myself succeed. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to see him grow sister. I’m sorry I could be there to see you cry over sad movies dad. I wish I could not be the mistake you told I was. I’m sorry I couldn’t get what you wanted mum. I wish I wasn’t the disappointment you brought up and I wish I was more competent for you. I’m sorry I couldn’t play with you anymore little nephew and niece. I’m sorry I couldn’t be for the person I love and continue loving unconditionally. I’m sorry for always hiding it behind my laughter and smiles, my friends. I’m sorry if I was dishonest with the way I felt because I didn’t want to burden you with how I feel. I’m sorry to everyone for giving up. I’m sorry for not holding it any longer. I’m sorry for being weak and finally having the courage to do what I say. I have failed myself and everyone around me, when I thought I was doing better but I didn’t. I would finally be able to breathe again when all this while my head was just above surface trying to catch a breather.

I’m sorry for disappointing in everyone. I have learnt to lie so well that no one could see how I was falling apart. I learnt to hid how I feel so good till’ I could dismiss everyone. I’m sorry for being a very good liar. And I’m sorry you couldn’t see it. Don’t blame yourself. It was just me, I wasn’t brave enough to trust myself and I did not want to add more burden for everyone who is trying to make me feel better. But the truth is, feeling better are merely words for me that could only be used in sentence, on a paper or vocally. There are days I felt good, it never really was good when at the end of the day, I still beat myself up to get better. I have seen better days but it wasn’t enough for me to hope and stay longer.

Day by day, I can feel myself fading. The little kid in me, giving up slowly after being tormented day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and second by second. Only so much she could hold on to until a breaking point. She could only take so much till she loses the light in her, the hope she has and the believe she puts on others. I failed her. I failed myself. The little girl is not resting in peace and it’s only time until myself is at peace. And the time is closer than I want it to be. Everyone’s right about the time, that it does not wait for anyone. If I could stop time, she could still be here.

I’m sorry for what I have done and I know it’s selfish of me to have come up till’ this end. I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I was right in front of you when I was falling apart but all you saw was another day of my “phase”. I tried to ask for help but all I gotten was backlash because I’m better now so I can’t go back to being not well. I wish you could see I was trying hard to fight the voices that’s crushing my me on the inside making me lose every ounce of love, hope and believe I had on myself. I didn’t want this to happen but, I’m sorry. I love every one of you and will always do.

With my last believe and love on everyone,

……………..

__________________________________________

This was a note left long ago, and I couldn’t imagine how it would be for everyone. How will they feel. How would they react. Would they lose something? Will this help them to move one and make the world a better place? Will they be there for someone like me? Will they finally pull them through before it’s too late. A letter is easy to write, expressing is difficult and writing your last moments is devastating.

This letter has since then, brought me back to reality that maybe, just maybe out there, there is hope and believe. I have seen the good in people and we all try. Time doesn’t wait for anyone and as while the time progress, we give small miracles and believes upon others to help them before time stops for them. There are better days, comes and goes but nothing really stays and I promise, we all can work through this with just a little more love and believe, time would become just a piece from a fairytale (: .

One thought on “Last words.

  1. Dear Sobana, I sincerely hope you are doing well especially during this dreadful rmo. Anyways I just want to say that whenever you ever feel like you are surrounded by darkness, remember that Apapa is always with you. He is always watching on you like every guardian angel does šŸ™‚ God bless you and may you be blessed with an abundance of joy, laughter and love. Take care Sobana.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s