The playlist that inspired me to write this piece (: <——— CLICK ON THIS LINK
This has been long overdue and I hope by the time you’re reading this, you will have a small picture of why you’re the reason that I am still breathing. No, this is not another love letter if you’re wondering (hahaha). Well, here goes another long and sappy expression of myself. Bear with me because this is going to be an emotional roller coaster.
All this while, when I logged in on my WordPress, I would always have something really heart breaking to write about on whether it’s my illness or how much life has been a struggle for me. My recent (not so recent) post on my blog called “STONE WALLS” which was published around early October last year was not something I was really proud of. Honestly, all my posts, each and every one of it, I am not entirely proud of it. The reason behind this statement of mine is that, every little post that is up here on my blog is more of a lie that I wanted to live in. The person behind those posts was nothing more than an impostor whom lives in her own world believing that there is somewhat little good bone in her body and beautiful thoughts in her mind but in reality is living in a dark world. I was in a dark hole for so long that seeing the light of the day scares me. I found comfort in destruction and relieve in pain and metal razors. As a whole of a person, I was losing myself more and more each day, and in those days there’s nothing more than suicide would make happy. While writing words like “I stand on my ground ready to face the road of recovery” or “it’s going to be worth every day”, it never really hit me hard enough. Looking back at those posts, I was a liar. I lied, when I was trying to be strong, all I wanted was nothing more than to be gone. I did not believe in the little positive bubble I was in and that everything I wrote that time, felt pointless and meaningless to me. I had amazing support from all you readers and how each and every one of you told me how much it helped you and that should have made me feel alive. But it did not. Everything was more of a figment of imagination. The past years has been really hard on me and all these writings were craved on the wall, locked away in a cell, in a dark place in my mind that imprisoned me. It has got to that point in my life where I knew there is no such thing as recovery for me and where suicide was the only option left for me.
Right around this time, last year, I lost someone very dear to me. Someone that I would not say the “world- was- too- cruel- to- me- and- took- my- only- happiness- away- from- me” kind of stuff. Someone, who held a lightly dim light outside my prison mind, so that I could crave my imaginary world with words on the wall (It’s the piece that have been posted so far). He was a great man, is and still will be living on everybody thoughts. When he left, the light was gone with him. My hope was gone with him. My only way of writing a beautiful imaginary world was erased and all gone together with him. I was lost. Broken. Shattered and cast aside into the darkness of my prisoned mind. This time, there was not even a little light that came through and all I could see is pitch darkness. And in that darkness, I can see myself fading away into nothingness. And that is where I decided to end it all that year. But how is it possible that I still here writing? Is this going to be another cooked up lie to stay positive? Another BS to believe in yourself and fight?
I have a story to tell and this time it is something that is real. That is me.
Well, I am doing amazing and here is the reason why (:
Let’s start with the picture I used as a thumbnail. You may be wondering, who is that? Or more specific questions that follows up in your head.
You could say maybe he was my long awaited Prince Charming that came to save the damsel in distress (me) and free me from my enslaved prison in my mind. Or help me see through my darkness by shining a biggest and brightest lit light into my prison or helping me break the walls down and carrying me away in his arms to a new world outside my mind.
Well let me tell you something, He is the reason why I am still here today, writing to all my readers, breathing, alive and still well.
There are a few things I have learnt and discovered about him and the world I started living in along the way. The world may seem alright to some of us and maybe pretty horrifying to most of us. ; Giving up was all part of my plan but what stopped me was the fear of livingthat night. All this while, I have attempted numerous times and I am still here. What if now, I get it done with but still end up living and disappointing everyone else around me? What if this suffering still goes on in my head and its like a loophole where I can never live again.
But now, I am more than happy to say that fear has cost me a life that is not worth living for long.
Why him you would wonder? Or he can’t be the only reason right? Or what has he done is different than the rest of us? Why is he the only reason? You cant solely depend on him right?
Some of the frequently asked questions by my friends and family.
If you are reading this and also wondered the same thing, here’s why (:
I have friends and family people I met and lost over the course of my life. Some still stood by me till’ this very day and some, not so. The thing about people is that they want to be in your life and makes changes, and wants you to believe in the hope they have for you to recover but do not stay long enough or easily loses their hope on you. I am not saying that they are all bad people, no, but they tried and left or just give up on me not because they wanted to but because they thought they could not help me and most of the time gets frustrated about themselves. I have met amazing people that still is here till’ this very day since the moment I met them and sometimes they too have given up on me. I would not blame them. For someone who has so much of negativity in their mind, we tend to push people away. Each and every one of us has a point of limit in life and sometimes they tend to show it differently than others but we should not blame them.
As I mentioned earlier, I was enslaved to my own destructive thoughts and I thought that was the end of all time. He, I would not say broke through the prison walls and shackles that held me captive in my own mind. What he did, may not make sense to everyone but this is how I can describe it.
He only did one thing : wait.
He waited outside my prison. He waited and waited patiently for me to break loose myself. This prison is my mind made up of my own thoughts. He does not have the key but had the patience to wait. To wait for me to unlock and free myself from enslavement of negativity and self-destruction. He would held my hand from the outside and made sure of his presence and his light shone through this empty walls.
Finally, it happened. Like a butterfly that grew out of its cocoon. Or turning over a new leaf. I felt different. Like I died, and living a better life now. That how it is now.
I would not say he is the sole reason as to why I am doing amazing now although I still have tough times. He is the real reason as to why I am still here and smiling genuinely for once.
And here I am writing an open letter to you :
Hey there, if you are reading this, there are something’s I want to share and say to you.
I did not know I was going to fall in love with you. The idea of you or the person itself ; YOU. Most probably even you did not expect this. I didn’t know I was going to want you even more, now that you are in my life. They say “we should not depend our life and emotions more specifically happiness on one person” but I would say it’s a choice we all have. The way you make me smile and laugh is different from other because its REAL. And that is why, I want you even more. I did not expect the sudden crave of your light, that lits up my small little world which so much of happiness and positive emotions radiating from you even in the darkest of time. I might still be a little rough around the edges and still have those negative thoughts that pops up once a while but what I love about you the most is the patience that comes with love and care that you have to never once raise your voice at me or gotten angry or frustrated with me. But instead you show up at my door and hold me tight and fix those broken pieces back together with you huge superman like strength that heals me. I never knew that I was going to be in this much of trouble when I found out I was deeply in love with you but I am glad I wore my heart on my sleeve because it would not have led me now with you. You are those corny jokes on a bad day and the smell of musky sweat and male scent on every other day I swear I learnt to love. You are the laughter on a rainy day and four-leaf clover in the middle of the field, (rare, one-of-a-kind) and the starry nights on a hot summery day and the favourite book I would love to read over and over again and the words I can never stop writing about. Everything about you and how you are is an art. Like the way your hair falls flat on your head when you sleep, or how you eyes flutter with the slightest touch, or how you hold my hand and give it a light kiss to assure that you are going to be there. The way you prefer wearing your worn out slippers everywhere you go and not caring if you trip on it, or the way the side of your lips curve into a small smile when you hear me rant. You beautiful mind where I could listen to you talk all day with all those information that fascinates me. Each day I learn something new. The way you look when you are the reason behind my tears and would do everything you can to stop it. The way you wipe them away and give me a hug after that. I cant really put into words what I feel for you but maybe a little story? You are tiny soldier who did not know that he could do greater things in life. You saw a fellow mate in battle, dying and all you did was held on that mate so he would not bleed to death and made sure nothing ever happens to him until the real help comes. Little does he know, he was the major help in his life because he kept the fellow mate alive until everyone else arrive. And that little soldier is you, Shree.
It amazes me how you fit so perfectly in my small world and how everyone loves you so much for being in a part of theirs.
I need you to understand one thing. You deserve more than what you’ve had. I may not be whole when I first met you but you made a whole lot better, and a new person than I ever was before and for that behalf of everyone who wants to see me smiling and alive again, behalf of my Appapa, we thank you.
And I love you ;
Hey there guys! I would want to apologize for my previous posts about me lying and being hopeful and positive. The truth is, we all live in a world we create in our own mind and sometimes it can get really dark in there. I am glad that my writings did help some people and I hope everyone is doing great. Honestly, I would admit now that I am doing great. I still have my episodes and breakdowns certain days and still self harm. The process of recovery is a long way to go. There are always going to be bad days. It is always going to be there, sometimes waiting reminding you at the back of your mind that you are worthless and that you do not deserve anything in life. The truth is everyone deserve something or someone in life that makes them happy. We all deserve something good and nice in life because we are all born equally and that each of us were brought into this world for a reason whether being the one who puts a smile on peoples face or the one that hopes someone does that for them. I guess for me, I would say, sometimes, you have to hit the lowest rock bottom in life and in that moment when you think it’s all over, thats when unexpected things happen being good or bad, but that moment, at that time would be the point that turns things in your life.
I hope you loved your surprise (:
This piece, take it from me, from a new perspective of life. Hopefully there’s more in the future but for now, hope everyone has a great day. Much love and support from me to everyone who still believes in me. Thank you.