“I have seen miracles in people and kindness in their soul leaving imprints in others crumbling heart making them grow and smoothing the rough edges shaping them to be one.”
Walking on the streets, with my head down headphones on and I very much care less about the world and how it revolves around me. Hope, was once believed in by many but now it has become just a word we look up for definition losing the true meaning of it buried deep in thoughts. I looked up just in time to see the happy clouds and sunny blue sky moving past me and in settles the depressed clouds and grey skies. This describes my life perfectly. I am used to this familiar settings. As I made my way down the road recognizing every little detail, down this similar pathway, I reflect back the days when everything was so carefree and childlike expectations. To think about it now, I always thought of it as a challenge back then to grow up and live up to my own expectations. “Ow!” as I shrieked, stumbling upon a brick almost falling in the process. Back to reality again I guess living up to the society’s expectation, being a puppet on the string and a show run by the world itself. How has life changed since then. I never hated myself this much to the point until I would scar myself up just to calm the haunting voices of people constantly reminding me everyday that I am “no better than a rock”. “Stubborn”. “Tempered”.
I find it hard to stay positive despite being pushed down and thrown around. Even the best fall down sometimes and not rise up all the time. I walked into the house that holds scared memories with a heavy heart and headed for my room. Stripped myself and set up a bath for me. As the water runs, I look at the image reflected on the mirror and thought to myself “Who am I?”. I picked up the razor and carved the word that haunted me today “DIE”. Why would someone say to people that they should die. Isn’t life or death is in God’s hand? DIE. Every time the word pops up in my head its breaks my already broken heart into pieces. I got out of the shower and got dressed and sat in front of my computer and started reading my comments.
As a newborn, I was thrust into the world with a schizophrenia and numerous other mental health issues. However, getting the help that was needed was not acceptable. There were a few times when hospitalisation was the only solution but otherwise it was one of those ‘family secrets’. I do commend you and thank you for sharing this information. Information is so vital. I’ve no doubt that my childhood was fundamental in my decision to study psychology and become a therapist. My family was beyond help. They “didn’t have a problem” Thanks again my friend.
This hits me like a truck. Way too real. I got tired of loving and not being loved.
Tears because I can relate. Because of the hope. Because of my not being in that place of hell right now. Because you so beautifully express. Thank you for writing. Never stop.
Thank you for this amazing insight into the moment by moment battle of depression. You have really helped me to see, to feel, to grieve. My father suffered deep depression, and was living with me when he tried to end his life. I have to fend off depression…but nothing like what dad went through or what you describe. Oh precious girl…we are cheering for you, we are cheering you on in your recovery. You are so very brave. HUGS.
There were many more comments firing up on my article that I have written and to be honest everything has made my day. I live in a world of screen-people and comforting words through a comment. That’s my reality. Every one of this comments patches up a small part of the broken heart.
Thank for keeping me alive and going. I have not been myself lately and i am trying to get back on my feet again. Being constantly pushed hurts because getting up is a lot harder than staying below. Theres a part of me I can’t get back, a little girl who grew up too fast into the world of expectations. Thank you for these moving words as you keep me alive and breathing through just a glass screen. This war may not end and it will be lingering in my heart and mind as the thoughts are hard to get rid, but with the support I can get, I will be sure to pick myself and everybody else up with me to the better side of the circle. This may not be your typical walk to the park kind of journey but I promise with every cuts and wounds, every words and tears shed from this battlefield will all be worth it in the end. The world needs to change their mind about us as we shouldn’t change ourselves for the world because we are the ones who will brighten the world with real smiles and real hearts. Thank you lovelies,
From your fellow battle mate,
It always feels good to know you are the reason why they are still here smiling their hearts out. I got out of my chair and left to the park. I still don’t feel good about myself while I am still hurting but with a smile on my face. I have been used to the pain inflicted upon me whether physical or emotionally. I sat on the swing and watched the carefree children laugh around playing Tag and falling down but instead of crying, they laugh it out and lend a hand to those who need it. As I sat there watching them, this girl came to me and sat on the swing that is available beside me. I realized she noticed my bleeding wrist and reached out to hold my hand. She looked at me in the eyes and said “Are you an angle? My sister said that angels harm themselves because they protect people from getting hurt by them. She said, those are battle scars made by the angels themselves because they are fighting with a very mean monster that lives inside them. I love you and no matter how many you lost the battle with the meaney monster you will always win the war”.
Then she got up and ran to her sister, and I saw the hands she was holding while walking back to the car, a past scared hand. Then it hit me. I always think that I could never win the battle because there is no point in winning it. There is always going to be the darkness at the end of the tunnel. There is no recovery but all that changed today.
The past might still be there to reminding us the battle we have fought but it is our heart that has the courage to move on and stand out, being the best warrior in the war with ourselves. Being down may not be as bad as I thought as it has thought me how to live life the hardest way and still there existing, breathing and fighting my way through. It has though me life is not always about winning the battles but it’s about still being through it all. It takes courage to grow up and still be here through everything.
I looked up the sky and a drop or rain water fell on my face. It started pouring and for once, I enjoyed walking under the rain, smiling away while I made myself home.
Hello everyone, sorry for the long wait. To be honest, life wasn’t going great for me and I am still standing here alive and well. There is still many bumps on my recovery but I hope everyone here will help me get through this together. Thank you for all the support and hope and believe till’ today. Thank you all 🙂