Survivor.

It’s not easy. It’s never been easy. 

Depression is not just any sadness. Sadness is a small type of reaction happening in daily basis. When the person is having depression, it interferes their daily life and normal functioning. Sadness is only a small part of depression. Some people with depression may not feel sadness at all. It’s like wishing you did not get up the next day. It’s like segregating yourself from everyone not wanting to indulge in any conversations or going out associating with anyone. The feeling of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness and hopelessness. It’s losing appetite or binging on food having weight changes. The thoughts of death and suicide lingers in the mind. 

Anxiety is not just a normal panic attack. It’s the feeling of suffocation when you are in a crowd of people. It’s the trembling hands that restrains yourself from meeting new people. It’s the feeling of constant fear about everything in life. Having difficulty in concentrating and the mind going blank. Feeling highly anxious about being with other people and having a hard time talking to them. Feeling very self-conscious in front of other people and worried about feeling humiliated, embarrassed, or rejected, or fearful of offending others. Having to have a hard time keeping friends intact. Feeling nauseous and sick around people. 

Schizophrenia is a chronic and severe mental disorder that affects how a person thinks, feels, and behaves. It’s a disorder where nightmares feels like reality. It’s the never ending hallucinations that haunt us everywhere we go. It’s like losing touch with reality. It’s the delusions that is convincing enough to make us believe in it. Having to grow uncommunicative with people around. Having to listen to the voices whispering close by your ear. Negative voices repeating in your head constantly every single day.  


Having to be diagnosed and living with them have never been any easier than breathing. Everyday feels like a torment, getting up into a nightmare of a reality. The constant debate between ending it all or trying to stay as long as I can had been stuck in my head for as long as I can remember. Battling with the voices in my head and trying to keep up with the things and people I love is difficult. Sometimes I don’t converse with anyone and they might be wondering what’s wrong with me. Sometimes the voices take control of me making me shove everyone away. I never tried talking to anyone about it. I lived in fear. I started to self harm because of those voices  in my head. They prevent me from doing things I love and making me lose hope on all the little things I imagined. They made me feel guilty even for the slightest thing the world has done, making me think it’s my fault. Die. Cut. Dead. Fear. Those very words were carved and made to fear them. Everyday was a battle with the mind and heart but in the end, just a ghost with a beating heart. I never knew the life outside my mind. I was lost. Lost the touch with reality. Lost connection with people. I only had them in my own world. Not only the voices  I had, I developed a severe case of hallucinations. It’s not the ghost type of hauntings and possession or the ones you see on movies, No. It’s the type where they  have control over your mind, body and soul. You have been compelled to listen to what they say. Having to live with them, is a constant fight between life and death.

Coming out of this was not easy. And I would say, I am still not cured. Yes, I’m seeing a psychiatrist and I am on medication. Yes, I still do hear the voices and I still see them appearing on daily basis. Yes, I still cut but I have learnt to control it. The road to recovery is not simple as what you think. Battling with the mind can be life threatening. It starts from ourselves then to others. Learn to talk to others about our mental health issues. Make people understand as to why we are like this as it can help them to apprehend and they would know how to guide us through. It helps a lot in a way, more than we can think off. Talking to someone helps to ease the mind and you know there’s someone there to lend a helping hand. I learnt to write my thoughts down to help people understand how is it like for people to live with mental illness. I learnt to stand up for myself because my voice is stronger than the voices in my head. 

Visit the, thehopeline.org for a hand in need. (:

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198 thoughts on “Survivor.

  1. Thanks for your follow of my blog. I can’t thank you by name because I don’t know it!! And forgive me, I can’t say anything very relevant to your blog, except that I have huge respect for your honesty. I know depression, but not like you. And my way is different. You see from my blog I have practiced yoga all my life. It’s hard work but I love it. I so much wish you well. I will follow your blog and read your posts. If thoughts have wings and meaning, then accept the kindest and best of mine. Tony

    Liked by 14 people

      1. different like how?…yeah you’re right I don’t even know you, so how do I know my way out of MY depression has been different. I try to say. Yoga has slowly over the years, allowed me to step back from total involvement in my emotions and feelings. How? Because as meditation goes ‘deeper’ (or better is to say ‘simpler) and thoughts stop, my perspective becomes more the observer of what my mind is up to, almost a detachment. (There’s a technique called Antar Mouna which is strong to allow that ‘stepping back’). And with practice, I start to see that my body and my mind are one place, but behind that is just awareness, consciousness. It’s a beautiful thing. But yoga doesn’t solve ‘problems’. I personally think we have to deal with them appropriately, and let yoga be a recreation, a profound relaxation, an irresistible attraction!!

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Your voice IS stronger than the voices in your head ….yep it’s a mighty battle ….use the support you have …the talking …the medication ….the use of your creativity ….focus outward as much as you can …even on the smallest of things that may serve to keep your spirits lifted ….it’s like climbing Mount Everest in a blizzard sometimes …but you know what?
    It’s clear from your blog you are yet another example of a modern day warrior and set an example to us all ……keep climbing …slips there may be …..never give up tho:)

    Liked by 11 people

  3. Having been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder last summer, your descriptions are spot-on. I know many people who have or have had depression and anxiety. I appreciate your candor about schizophrenia, as well. You’re a survivor!

    Thank you also for following my blog – I really appreciate it!

    Liked by 5 people

  4. I think you’re much more awesome than you think you are.
    I think you’re much more amazing and braver than most of us for sharing something like this here
    And I think you have something that others don’t. Strength. Boldness. Will.
    You may not be cured yet, but you will. And I know this because that’s what people with strength do. They survive πŸ™‚

    Please keep being strong!
    And thanks for following my blog πŸ™‚

    Liked by 4 people

  5. As a newborn, I was thrust into the world with a schizophrenia and numerous other mental health issues. However, getting the help that was needed was not acceptable. There were a few times when hospitalisation was the only solution but otherwise it was one of those ‘family secrets’. I do commend you and thank you for sharing this information. Information is so vital. I’ve no doubt that my childhood was fundamental in my decision to study psychology and become a therapist. My family was beyond help. They “didn’t have a problem” Thanks again my friend. LΓ©a

    Liked by 9 people

    1. I get what you mean by family secrets (: even my family doesn’t want anyone to know I’m seeking a psychiatrist for treatment. For us it may seem psychiatrist hospital but for others it’s a mental hospital. I been discriminated that way before (: but here I am now (: writing my thoughts and feels out (: thank you for the love and support (:

      Liked by 4 people

      1. I’m always here if you need an ear and once again my hat is off to you. For me, the only way (and I don’t imply that anyone else should do it) I had to totally sever any connections. My family is those I care about and who care about me. As for the writing, it can be very healing. Actually, I’m working on ‘the book’ now… πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

        Liked by 2 people

      2. It is about a child that was never wanted and subject to cruelty in many different forms. It is about how and why it led into abusive marriage. It is about getting out and creating a life and family for self and children. It is about healing and finally having a life. It is about me. It is the bad, the ugly and finally some happiness. Does that help. I have a rough draft but am going through the first organise and edit right now. I call it doing damage control! πŸ™‚

        Liked by 6 people

      3. You are very kind. I don’t know how soon I can have it ready to try and find a publisher and that is a frustratingly long journey. If I can get it published, it will be announced on the blog and I’ve been promised reviews and write-ups by a few others that know me and my work. Thank you ever so much.

        Life is a journey and some of us have more twists, turns and bumps in the road.

        Liked by 3 people

      4. Absolutely. It has given me much to write about. I don’t know how far you have looked in my poetry… blog but there are more than a few references to some of the issues… πŸ™‚

        Liked by 2 people

      1. This is an incredibly powerful post about the torment of mental illness. My uncle and aunt were both schizophrenic and repeatedly hospitalised. I also have other friends who have the same condition. This post really brings it home to me how traumatic it must be and I am so pleased you are recovering from it. Thanks for following my blog.

        Liked by 2 people

  6. Bravery, eloquence, strength, and determination – you may not be cured, but you’re winning the war. Continued success and much respect to you.

    Thank you for the follow. 🌹🌹

    Liked by 4 people

  7. I think you are very brave… facing each new day must be a battle that you take minute by minute, marching across the day. Thank you for writing about it, it helps others understand better about mental illness.

    Liked by 6 people

  8. Somewhere just when I stopped looking towards in the direction of myself, I found this. A lot of things that I could relate to and some I wished I could feel right now. When thingsare all away, to find this is like a reminder that something is missing and needs to be done. Really well writing, reminded me of a lot that I had forgotten, and helping me knowing there people like you will always stay strong, to tell their stories. It is really brace and beautifulof you to do wrote about all this. With love and hugs. πŸ’ž
    – Keith Sly

    Liked by 7 people

  9. My young daughter suffers from depression and anxiety… your post here has helped me better know what she is going through… thank you for following my blog and I look forward to reading more of yours and learning what I can. I wish you only the best…. please stay strong and know that so many people care, eventhough Idon’t know my heart goes out to you… Michelle

    Liked by 7 people

  10. Thanks for following my blog!
    I’ve never been schizophrenic, but I’ve dealt with more than a little depression and suicidal thoughts, so this post really resonates with me. I used to cut myself too, mostly because it was the only escape, or at least that was the way it felt. Sure I felt like shit afterwards, but in that moment, that beautiful moment, that rush, you forget everything…
    Just know you are in no way alone in this world, there are so many of us. ❀

    Meno

    Liked by 3 people

  11. Thanks for the follow πŸ™‚ love reading this post. Being an Occupational therapist, I had seen mentally ill clients. So well explained. Happy to connect πŸ™‚

    Liked by 3 people

  12. I see the word “brave” mentioned in many of these comments, and it is indeed the word I would also have used. But let me use another word, heroic. You are speaking to mental illness which for some ridiculous reason, people view as a taboo subject. Yet, despite all the knowledge out there explaining it is a very real illness, an even real-er illness to the people who face it every day and night. To put yourself out here in an unkind world is heroic. There will undoubtedly be a parent, a teacher, a child who you will touch with these words. You’ve obviously touched all of us. Thank you for taking the hard way by voicing your reality, You are not collapsing into “they” or “them” and giving up. And “they” know why, as we all do here; you are stronger than any voice or vision, that is why YOU are here now saving someone else by writing with bravery. Thank you for being so heroic. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

    Liked by 7 people

    1. I want people to stop discriminating and treating mental illness as if it’s nothing. It’s more serious than physical sickness and it can lead someone to taking their life without thinking twice. I want to help those in trouble and show them there’s always hope in this world and for that we just have to believe in ourselves (: thank you for this lovely comment that made my day (:

      Liked by 5 people

      1. You are such a skillful writer. Your descriptions of these disorders are spot on. Thanks for following my blog, and I’ll be sharing this with my tribe. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  13. Who is this “Survivor”. Is it You Yourself or are you talking about another person.

    Its so frightful reading this, because I had my dose of panic attacks in the past. Now I am Free and Keep myself Happy.

    Just go to Google and say Beauty of Nature and Google it and see the Images for the millions of beautiful pics to take your breath away.

    Or type Cute Dogs and Cats Videos and watch them and laugh.

    Having the Internet at our fingertips is the Biggest Blessing of Today’s Century.

    Cattie

    Liked by 3 people

  14. This is very intense. The struggle we face, the fight that awaits, everyday it’s nothing but a battle within against our thoughts. 😦 Sometimes all we need is reassurance, Hope and faith. I was on a very pessimistic path, but my mother kept pulling me to the path of positivity. When I started my blog, I chose to write everything on my mind, no distinction between positive or negative thoughts. But my mother asked me to put in only the happy ones so as to attract positivity in life. But, it’s not easy, there are days I just feel like crying to myself, stay aloof away from everyone. There are many days when I do nothing but doubt myself, there are multiple thoughts in my hands that are fighting a fight of their own. I have grown to dislike wrong things people talk. It’s alright to have an opinion different from others, but it’s another thing to get angry, and then burst out crying for reason very trivial. I haven’t found any reason for my guilty palpitations or the tremors that are far from ceasing, the emptiness in the chest gets me. I am scared to fall prey to any of these, they are my enemies and I don’t know how to get over this. πŸ™‚
    I can relate to your dilemma somewhere, I hope we all recover and feel normal soon. Take care.
    Best wishes,
    Shambhavi

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Yes I agree with you. With hope you have the courage to take that step to recovery (: Yes, there’s always someone there to help us pull through this (: We have to try and give ourselves a chance (: instead of giving others. That way we can learn to grow from what we were (: thank you for the love and support (:

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Sorry for the typos!
    This is very intense. The struggle we face, the fight that awaits, everyday it’s nothing but a battle within against our thoughts. 😦 Sometimes all we need is reassurance, Hope and faith. I was on a very pessimistic path, but my mother kept pulling me to the path of positivity. When I started my blog, I chose to write everything on my mind, no distinction between positive or negative thoughts, but it was my mother who asked me to put in only the happy ones so as to attract positivity in life.
    It’s not easy, there are days I just feel like crying to myself, staying aloof- away from everyone. There are days when I do nothing but doubt myself with multiple thoughts in my head, perhaps they are busy fighting a fight of their own.
    I have grown to dislike wrong things people talk. It’s alright to have an opinion different from others, but it’s another thing to get angry, and then burst out crying for reason very trivial. I haven’t found any reason for my guilty palpitations or the tremors that are far from ceasing and the emptiness in the chest gets me. I am scared to fall prey to any of these, these emotions and thoughts are my enemies and I don’t know how to get over this. 😦
    I can relate to your dilemma somewhere, I hope we all recover and feel normal soon. Take care.
    Best wishes,
    Shambhavi

    Liked by 3 people

  16. I wish you all the best, Shobby. Days of calm, full of light, where clean-smelling breezes wash cares away. I wish for your pain, fear and anxiety to lessen a bit each day and for your voice to grow stronger and more sure. Thank you for communicating to us how severe these differences can get. I know only the mildest form of these things, and I’m grateful for that.

    Liked by 4 people

  17. Hi! Thanks for showing us a side that not many reveal or understand. It takes a lot of courage to open up in this manner, but I also want to tell those suffering from depression not to shut your loved ones out. I wish more would talk – remember, even if others might not empathize and may even judge you for it, your near and dear ones really care for you. You are an important and cherished part of their lives.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Hmmm…
    “The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,And saves such as have a contrite spirit.”
    – Psalm 34:18
    Thanks for stopping by my blog. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  19. This is some of the most emotionally powerful writing I have ever read. I’m sorry for you that you struggle with so much and I applaud you for seeking the help that you have and still remaining so strong. Keep writing it out, keep advocating for yourself and others, and seeking help. Thank you for the interest and I look forward to following your blog as your posts give me strength.

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Thank you for following my blog, and I badly want to help but I do not want to hurt you more by saying only the wrong things. I guess all I can say is that since sadness and every other darkness is very much possible in life, doesn’t it mean that their counterparts exists too. Sorry if I said the wrong stuff though. 😦

    Liked by 2 people

  21. Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience of schizophrenia with others. I think that is a very brave thing to do. I hope it helps you connect to others in a similiar position to you for shared help and support. I haven’t suffered from Schizophrenia but I have had anxiety and depression in the past and I have heard about friends of friends who have Schizophrenia. It must be a very difficult and at times lonely path. I wish that you find peace and happiness with the right support and medication to help you along the way. Thank you so much for following and connecting with me at Kyrosmagica. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes I hope so, to connect and help others facing this (: yes it is a difficult and it’s a lonely path to face but with hope and believe in ourselves we can stand up to the voices (: our voice is stronger than theirs (: thank you for the love and support (:

      Liked by 1 person

  22. You have clearly touched the lives of many people through your writing. That is an accomplishment to treasure and build on. As I read your posts, I wonder many things, including how you have been able to seek aid and support, and how it feels to be witnessed by so many people. I wonder about the voices and visions, and whether they might become allies rather than sources of harm. I also find myself hoping that your healing continues.

    Thank you for visiting my blog, and following.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for these kind words (: I was able to seek aid and support when my family finally understood my illness and brought me to a therapist for further information (: I really don’t know what to say about being witnessed by so many people but I guess it’s makes me strong (: they were my allies when I was a young kid being there for me when I was alone which was most of the time. Then society happened that created some ideal of ‘perfection’ where it made them turn against me and in the process of making me kill myself because I’m not worth their time. Thank you for the love and support (:

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Society can support or damage. Our ideas of perfection are just that, ideas, and they change constantly. Yet, as a culture we can easily be entrapped by them. Here’s hoping you gain ever more support, and that healing deepens.

        Liked by 2 people

  23. Hello, thank you for following my blog. I’ve been reading some of your posts and they’re very moving. I have a brother who is diagnosed with schizophrenia. I’ve been thinking of writing about him, but it’s painful. Your blog has inspired me to give it a go. Thanks.

    Liked by 2 people

  24. Thanks for your honest blog. I’m so glad that your voice is stronger than the ones in your head. Do you know Jesus as your Lord and Savior? His Holy Spirit gives us strength, peace, joy, and hope when we have none within ourselves. God bless you as you heal and recover.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. “…because my voice is stronger than the voices in my head.” Your writing bespeaks going in an excellent direction. It may take more time, but you’ll be fine. I know. I wish you peace, dear one.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Hello, and thank you for the blog follow. I think you have taken an important step forward by having the courage to share your world with us all. Mental health issues have for far too long been belittled and misunderstood. But I think now a new and more helpful attitude is beginning to develop from the wider world towards people who suffer with the feelings and issues you describe. Here in the UK, I support the mental health charity, MIND, who do lots of good work to support people with mental health issues. http://mind.org.uk/words
    I wish you well with your journey to recovery. Peggy πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  27. We can cure anxiety and depression before it reaches clinically irreversible stage. I’m doing this all the time and writing about that, too. Just like I mentioned before it isn’t the art blog (however, I find that creating art is one of the strongest tools to prevent anxiety attacks and decrease depressive episodes both in severity and length), but the secondary blog which describes similar disorders and the way to get out https://inesepogalifeschool.com/
    Being realistic and stand firmly on the ground is a good start.
    Social media often cause terrible depression instead of showing the way out, I’d say the less time we spend at screens, the better.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Hi,
    I love your writing style, and I would be so honored to have you do a guest post for my blog.
    Read my latest post for further info https: //ktwritings.wordpress.com/2016/08/17/message/
    contact me via e-mail if you’re interested!

    Thanks
    KT

    Liked by 1 person

  29. I don’t know what to say except that days get better for you. Thanks you for the honesty and for helping us those who are ignorant understand a little of the things that people with this burden go through.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Hello! Just wanted to stop by and thank you for following my blog! As a person who’s struggled with both depression and anxiety at multiple times in her life, I find that your posts really resonate with me–and so I”ve decided to follow you as well! Looking forward to reading more in the future!

    Liked by 1 person

  31. You are so expressive and so honest! You are not alone in wrestling w/ this dreadful illness. There are thousands of us. I pray that God may lift your darkness or give you strength to endure. Thank you, by the way, for your follow. Peace and love. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  32. Having the courage to write, and then understanding the healing when you do it, is the beginning of change. And feeling the understanding of that wisdom, you now heal others through healing yourself, and sharing it on here. That is love.
    You are changing, because that is what you wish…you do have control, because that is what you wish…and you do have love of self, because you are now giving unconditionally.
    Take a bow young lady, for it takes a love like no other to choose this journey, and find the beauty of that love within.
    Love and light for your journey, may it always speak to your heart. Namaste

    Liked by 1 person

  33. Hi shobby
    This is amazing. That you are fighting the mountain but its possible. Thank God that you are fighting those voices …you will overcome and be victorious. My best wishes.
    Complete love shuns away fear. May the presence of God Almighty protect you and keep you.In Jesus name.Amen

    Liked by 1 person

  34. Thanks for following Oh, the Places We See. Your About page is not only informative; it’s revealing. And I admire you for opening your heart and mind to those of us fortunate enough to come across your blog. Best wishes for continuing the journey and for greeting each day as it comes.

    Liked by 1 person

  35. Hello !! Hope you are doing well .

    I just released my anthology – Behind Smiles – what all we hide.
    It is a collection of 21 poems.

    Visit the link to know more. Do have a copy and share ur feedback then.

    You can review the book after reading on the same link. I will wait to hear from you.

    http://www.amazon.in/dp/B01N3S9O3O

    I will be glad to see you having a copy. I will eagerly wait for your review.

    Also i would like to tell u that till 15 nov the book is available for free download on amazon kindle. You will not have to pay anything.

    Liked by 1 person

  36. Thank you for your honesty! I believe that for each person that speaks openly about mental health, another person will be encouraged to speak of their experience and pain. This in turn leads to less stigma and ignorance. Blessings.

    Liked by 1 person

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