Survivor.

It’s not easy. It’s never been easy. 

Depression is not just any sadness. Sadness is a small type of reaction happening in daily basis. When the person is having depression, it interferes their daily life and normal functioning. Sadness is only a small part of depression. Some people with depression may not feel sadness at all. It’s like wishing you did not get up the next day. It’s like segregating yourself from everyone not wanting to indulge in any conversations or going out associating with anyone. The feeling of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness and hopelessness. It’s losing appetite or binging on food having weight changes. The thoughts of death and suicide lingers in the mind. 

Anxiety is not just a normal panic attack. It’s the feeling of suffocation when you are in a crowd of people. It’s the trembling hands that restrains yourself from meeting new people. It’s the feeling of constant fear about everything in life. Having difficulty in concentrating and the mind going blank. Feeling highly anxious about being with other people and having a hard time talking to them. Feeling very self-conscious in front of other people and worried about feeling humiliated, embarrassed, or rejected, or fearful of offending others. Having to have a hard time keeping friends intact. Feeling nauseous and sick around people. 

Schizophrenia is a chronic and severe mental disorder that affects how a person thinks, feels, and behaves. It’s a disorder where nightmares feels like reality. It’s the never ending hallucinations that haunt us everywhere we go. It’s like losing touch with reality. It’s the delusions that is convincing enough to make us believe in it. Having to grow uncommunicative with people around. Having to listen to the voices whispering close by your ear. Negative voices repeating in your head constantly every single day.  

Having to be diagnosed and living with them have never been any easier than breathing. Everyday feels like a torment, getting up into a nightmare of a reality. The constant debate between ending it all or trying to stay as long as I can had been stuck in my head for as long as I can remember. Battling with the voices in my head and trying to keep up with the things and people I love is difficult. Sometimes I don’t converse with anyone and they might be wondering what’s wrong with me. Sometimes the voices take control of me making me shove everyone away. I never tried talking to anyone about it. I lived in fear. I started to self harm because of those voices  in my head. They prevent me from doing things I love and making me lose hope on all the little things I imagined. They made me feel guilty even for the slightest thing the world has done, making me think it’s my fault. Die. Cut. Dead. Fear. Those very words were carved and made to fear them. Everyday was a battle with the mind and heart but in the end, just a ghost with a beating heart. I never knew the life outside my mind. I was lost. Lost the touch with reality. Lost connection with people. I only had them in my own world. Not only the voices  I had, I developed a severe case of hallucinations. It’s not the ghost type of hauntings and possession or the ones you see on movies, No. It’s the type where they  have control over your mind, body and soul. You have been compelled to listen to what they say. Having to live with them, is a constant fight between life and death.

Coming out of this was not easy. And I would say, I am still not cured. Yes, I’m seeing a psychiatrist and I am on medication. Yes, I still do hear the voices and I still see them appearing on daily basis. Yes, I still cut but I have learnt to control it. The road to recovery is not simple as what you think. Battling with the mind can be life threatening. It starts from ourselves then to others. Learn to talk to others about our mental health issues. Make people understand as to why we are like this as it can help them to apprehend and they would know how to guide us through. It helps a lot in a way, more than we can think off. Talking to someone helps to ease the mind and you know there’s someone there to lend a helping hand. I learnt to write my thoughts down to help people understand how is it like for people to live with mental illness. I learnt to stand up for myself because my voice is stronger than the voices in my head. 

Visit the, thehopeline.org for a hand in need. (: