Anthem of the angels

I do not promote self harm in this article. The pictures maybe triggering and I would advice its your risk to go on further. This article is to help spread awareness (: . Sorry for the triggering
———WARNING, THIS ARTICLE MAYBE TRIGGERING—————

1 cut, 2 cut, 3

Cut more. Look at the blood flowing. Isn’t the feeling pleasing to see the blood oozing out through the parted skin? Keep relapsing as you know how good the feeling is when the edge of the blade kisses your skin to relieve the emotional pain you’re going through.

Self destruction is something you have taken and given your life to it as its the only option or purpose you have. No one wants to hear it’s getting worse. Everyone wants to know you’re getting better. Lying will always be easy for you. You have me.

 

Waking up the next day has never been harder. The burning sensation when the water hits the razor-ed skin has never felt this good. The toughest choice of the day would be the choice of clothes to wear. Something long sleeves even though it’s scorching hot outside. Why long sleeves you ask? Nothing, because it’s comfortable to wear and its my favourite sweatshirt. Avoid myself from rolling my sleeves up although the weather is not complying. Just like any other day, nothing is different about today. The day went on as usual until my friend grabs my hand really hard applying pressure to the open wounds causing it to bleed through the bandage. I flinch from the hold and they knew something was up. They told me to roll my sleeves up and caught a glimpse of tiny scratches made on the wrist of my arm. “Cat scratch” was the only reply I could muster. They gave a wary look and I told them it’s nothing, so they brushed it off. Another lie, simple as it is.

Back home, I hurried to the room and locked myself. I stripped bare and observed myself upon the mirror standing in front of me. I took off the bloody bandage swaddled on my hand and stared at my hand. The blood stopped oozing out but the dark red lines remain marked on my skin. I stare at the scars around my body. Stomach, hands and thighs, all marked with a story. I turned on the shower and let the same burning sensation coursed through my body. My legs started trembling and all of a sudden I was laying on the bathroom floor bawling my eyes out, whole body quavering. Realization hit me like a bullet. I only have myself and myself is all I need to get back on my feet again.

Addictions are hard to give in and difficult to end. People with an addiction do not have control in what they are doing. Some addictions could reach to the point where it’s harmful to someone physical, emotional and mental being.What about addiction to your own destruction? Whether it’s cutting, burning, bruising, carving, hair pulling or ingesting of toxic substances, an addiction is an addiction. This self destruction can be a way of coping with problems, rough experiences in past life, difficult feelings or overwhelming situations.

We use pain to relieve the emotional pain we are going through. Self destruction is one of the way that strikes the mind and we tend to harm ourselves. Strange but the pain relieves us.

To me, to see the blood oozing out from my skin is one of the biggest relieve ever. Like all the world’s problem wash out from me. Like for the first time everything seemed right. Cutting is an addiction to me, and I been doing it for over a year now. With each cut I make, I feel like I deserve it. I miss seeing the similar red lines from the cuts I make. The feeling of emptiness rushes over my bare skin when it’s not scarred.

Trying to stop cutting is like trying to stop breathing. An addiction will stay as an addiction. To those survivors that keep fighting, it’s going to be worth every day. Cutting is a way of coping but there’s other ways to cope with pain and this is  not the end. You can always grab onto some ice and hold it, let the feeling numb the pain away. You are worth it. You don’t deserve the cuts you make. Let the past remain as a scar for you to  move forward with a better hope because there’s always hope out there. Save yourself from a heart full of pain and sorrow.Recovery is waiting for the fallen angels. Fight until the end. Fight the faceless enemy within because you are stronger than the voices in your head. You are your own voice. It’s time to face the faceless enemy. Put the blade down because you know you’re worth it.

For the fighters out there visit thehopeline.org

 


241 thoughts on “Anthem of the angels”

  1. This is a cry for help. So if you ever encounter anyone doing this, try to get them to a healthcare professional. Thank you for your post about a difficult subject. As a former teacher, I was trained to observe any such signs of neglect and abuse and to report them immediately. We all need to help one another in life.

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    1. Yes I would (: thehopeline.org helps people to cope with self harm addiction (: they helped me and they can help plenty of people out there that needs it (: Thank you for taking your time reading this article (:

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      1. Learn to be positive and happy in life, no matter what your lot may be. I am proud that you had the courage to write about a very difficult topic. There may be groups near where you live to get more support that just online. I am a firm believer of humanity and no one should feel so isolated as to harm himself or herself. If you have a religion, turn to your faith. Do you have a supportive family or a teacher friend? Our schools have counselors and students could go talk about anything going on in their lives. Good luck to you. This is my prayer for you as well. You have value. All humans have value.

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      2. I would love to share my experience. And thank you (: and I do have a counsellor and a psychiatrist helping me cope with my addiction (: I have really good friends that are there for me when I need someone to talk too (: thank you so much for believing in me (:

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  3. I really admire your bravery posting this. I like what you wrote here.:
    “Let the past remain as a scar for you to move forward with a better hope because there’s always hope out there.”
    I wish you the best of luck 🙂 x

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  6. Thank you for “following me”…that’s how you came to my attention….and, I feel privileged that you did…you are amazing….a fighter…brave….inspiring…an encourager…..thank you for sharing! 🙂

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  7. Again…your ability to help the reader feel what you feel, experience your pain and why you seek the relief that your addiction promises (but fails to deliver)…thank you.
    I’m married to a sex addict. I didn’t know – how can that be, right? When it all came crashing down, I was bloody and ripped apart and in pieces in the inside, but the outside looked okay. There was part of me that wanted to make the outside look bad too…it felt inauthentic to look all fresh and clean and “pretty” on the outside when it was just pure hell on the inside. I had never felt that way before – does that make sense?
    My husband had to learn that pain always seeks relief. We are hungry, we eat. We are cold, we seek cover. Same with emotional pain. Fear? Anxiety? Disconnection? Unworthy? Unloved? Seek relief/pleasure to stop the pain. For his recovery, it was important to dig and find out why he felt those things and to grieve them and to understand the wrong stories that he had believed. And when he is triggered, to have options and tools and people in place. I hope this for you, beautiful one. I hope for healing and recovery and mostly…for freedom. XO

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    1. And I hope freedom for you too (: thank you for believing in me (: for having so much hope in me (: yes pain do seeks relief. Sometimes the relief is in the hands of the loved ones (:we have to open our hearts and minds to new things and ways to help ourselves (: thank you (:

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  8. My close family member passed through similar situation. Only love can heal emotional scarves. Don’t give up and find faith in yourself, that addiction is not stronger than you. Wish you luck.

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  9. I like the way you speak from your heart and telling them survivors out there to keep fighting 🙂 Beautiful post I could this all day everyday .reading this made me realize and understand why people do so and why is it so addicting when it is hurtful & you have a point, like you said, its one of the ways to reduce pain and stress. thank you for making me realize this i know what to do next when i see someone in similar situation. much loveee

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    1. Thank you and I speak what I know (: I want everyone to fight because it will be worth in the end (: .If God gives soo much of trouble to someone, it means His gonna help them soon enough. Thank you (: addiction is really hard to stop especially the ones are close to our demise. You’re welcome and always help someone (:

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  13. Nice piece I must say, there are other ways to relieve the pain within us. One has to tell himself that, “nothing is worth your tears”. Another is to walk away from whatever it is that causes you pain, although, there are some situations you can’t walk away from, you can try your best to confront it, but when it seems that you are losing it, tell yourself, calm down, God is on the throne, He will take care of the problem. There i s peace of mind that comes from knowing Him.

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    1. Thank you and yes there’s many ways to relieve pain but without a willing heart to change and accept to move on we can’t. Walking away requires a lot of willingness to just drop everything and walk away. Instead we can stop and turn to face the enemy within. Yes, there’s always God (: and in him we trust (:

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  14. Woow what can I say but woow you or an amazing person the fight is never over your strong and to me that’s the greatest never loose hope God never gives anyone more than they can handle you or a star and you should just keep shining never let the things of the world get you down again I will say you or amazing and never you forget that…

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      3. Lol it’s not depressing it’s real life story which most people is scared to write about so depressing no good writeing yes there is nothing better than being real in what you do and when you can reach out to the scared people out in the world who really faces what you write about…

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      5. In my eyes I would say your doing a great job this little sick world of ours need more people like you who is not afraid to say it as it is am sure many out there today can relate to what you write but how many whould have written about an sure not a lot…My hats off to you even tho I don’t wear hat😎😎…

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      7. Lol life is the greatest and once you have that always remember you can do whatever you want and be who every you want to be life is the greatest:::time is the master your never alone in this world misfits as we maybe lol we still gods greatest creation…

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  15. So after reading this it just saddening my heart even more because to hear of people that does this to there bodies simply because they feel like there’s no other way out or better yet they find it so hard to deal with there everyday struggles there families, relationships, job, abuse just whatever the case maybe but you know what I’ve come to find out that the enemy is ourselves and Satan knows this but do we.see but the thing is we’ve forgotten where we come from yes also have gotten of track as well.see our bodies are the temple of God but it’s never really spoken of how we all are supposed to care for our bodies in the right manner which can be found in the word of God yes because it’s pure Truth so yes our Jesus is the key and his word is our spiritual food that is well needed everyday so hoping that many will get something put of this message also reading 1Corinthians 6:19_20 & 3:16_17 may God bless you all that are still going through it where you maybe know that your not Alone ever your in our prayers we love you O:-)

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    1. Yes there’s more like me out there, and it’s not there’s not other way out, we see it as the only way to cope with all the problems and yes it’s hard to deal this struggles. It’s hard to stop cutting and yes we are the enemy within. We are there bad and good (: thank you (:

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      1. So yes I’m hoping that we can talk more because the way I see it Hod doesn’t make mistakes and he’s always at work and as for our addiction we all have and some worse then other’s but I know within my heart that God is able to remove all strong holds from our lives if we allow him to also we to are responsible for doing are part as well so yes I’m a praying woman and God is with us all in the name of Jesus Amen

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  17. First of all,I must say I’m on the same page like you,but not because I”m suffering that directly but because someone very closed to me is.The fact is I met a fantastic girl(good adjectives are meaningless to define her greatness)via Internet and she lived in the same area like me,we chatted each other for months and then we hanged out…etc.Then I discovered she had a depression and that she would cut herself because of her horrible past and because her family mistreated her and they were not worried of understanding her at all.This was so,she,one day,told me I was the only one that understood her introspective mind,that I was ”The light after the darkness” and eventually I lost contact with her because her family told her that being only 16 is an aberration dating a guy like me five years older.

    After telling you this ”Bible”…Lol,I wanted to tell you,you have all my support and if you want,you can check Myers-Briggs Type Indicator which is a tool of Personality Psychology aimed to define all people’s behaviour within society.Apparently is useless,but for people such introspective is very useful because it helps to demonstrate that they are not ”weirdos” or ”strange species”,the other way around…they are a minimun percentage in this society that are discarded harshly by the majority because they are seen as deeply thinkers and ”Shakers” of Statu Quo.

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      1. It’s a pleasure to help people like you! and not being annoying,I must say that tool I just recommended is useful to detect,for example,a person with the same kind of philosophy that you have…namely,Myers-Briggs Type Indicator requires a test to be done that everybody must do at the first place,and then with the results you got,compare one personality to another.Then,you could find a person who really identifies with your way of perceiving everything and therefore that’s the appropriate person whom you should be involved with.I think this is the best way to help people who suffers this horrible disorder…I’ve been working for a whole year with this theory and it really works.

        PS:I would link to you my investigation on this,but it’s all written in Spanish,Lol.So anyway,feel free to comment me anything you want.And Stay Strong! 🙂

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    1. It helps to ease your mind in letting out the way we feel. Writing helps me better with silencing the voices in my head and ease my mind to not think about what are the voices telling me to do. Writing helps to cope my cutting problem where I can scribble as much as I want on a piece of paper instead of cutting. I’m not sure about how it helps others but this is how I cope with my mental illness (:

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  20. It really get a lot of strength to write about what we are going through or what we have been gone through..I really appreciate the fact you have made in the first lines “I do not promote self harm in this article”.No one should harm themselves for the mistake they are not even a part of..:) Inspiring one .:)

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  21. Pingback: Gushing Blogger Bride to be | Daisy in the Willows

  22. Bonjour
    Ce n’est pas jolie de s’entailler les bras

    Laisse le bonheur te surprendre

    passe une bonne journée dans la joie et la bonne humeur

    Ce mardi n’est pas beau du tout

    De la pluie

    Je me demande si le soleil est toujours la

    Mais de passer chez toi me mets du baume au cœur

    gros bisous , Bernard

    Bonne fête de la musique en ce 21 juin

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  23. Thank you for following my blog. I must admit, when I came to check out yours, I wasn’t expecting to be so brutally hit in the gut (I mean that as a compliment). A dear relative resorted to cutting and it was/is devastating to see. Thank you for your honest and moving post.

    .

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  25. Most people have no clue how hard it is to fight an addiction. You know. And you have courage not only to face the challenge, but to be honest and share your truth here. I admire your strength and I know it is not easy. I’m praying for peace and healing in your journey.

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  26. I have a granddaughter who has been cutting for over a year. I will be following you blog for any help I might find. Thank you for posting. The benefits for others cannot be measured.

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  30. Friend, I know whatever I would say won’t help you much, but if you want an exist from all this pain and all. I have someone who can help you. And this is from someone who has been an active sufferer of self harm depression anxiety panic attack, suicidal tendencies and what not, the list goes on. I know I was completely dead and no hope of surviving.
    But whatever I did made the things worse, it’s like my sky the clouds became so thick that no light can come and lighten my darkness.
    I was on the edge of a sword, one step and all would have been finished.
    Now I won’t force you but if you can watch this video.
    http://www.fallingplates.com/en#/player
    And just like that one day I was on my knees I knew God existed, but I still said God if you there help me, Jesus Christ save me for if you do not save me I will die. Help me.
    And trust me I’m happy now, it took years for me to suffer in silence, years to visit phycologists and therapists, but all in vain. For my God it took just 1 sec to fix me. No not all my problems are gone. But God in time has given me all the strength that I need to win this war. And trust me, or better trust the one who has sent me to you that I can speak about him. That God is control, He can take your impossibility and make it possible. He’s Greater than the problems that are in front of us. I mean look at Jesus He died, but He rose from the death, even death wasn’t so powerful that it can keep him under its heel. So friend I would request you just for once, let him in your heart. Go on knees and pray. Pray with your own words, but from your Heart. And as Jesus said to us Until now you haven’t asked my Father anything, ask in my name and you will receive what you ask, all will be given to you.
    You know God has a weakness, a weakness for humble hearts. If he finds someone at their knees humbling themselves before God truly, He opens up his own heart to that person. And trust me I’m living the dream. No I do not have money or cars, for they are too worldly I have God who gives me all the time whatever I need. Sometimes I did not even have to ask for it. I know how horrible it feels when we cut ourselves, we think it will ease our life’s pain, self harm is not a cause, it’s the effect. Many people will try to stop the effect, without stopping the cause.God will stop the Pain and replace it with Love so that all things you can do for him or in his most holy name should be of love. Amen
    God Bless you friend
    Hallelujah
    Take care
    Love
    Abraham

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    1. Almighty God is the answer to all. I do get down on my knees and ask him for forgiveness that I have become the monster I am to my own body. Things didn’t turn out good for me and until now I would say my life isn’t sunshine and rainbows. But I’m still here and I thank you God for giving me the strength to not take my life away. Thank you so much for the kind words that ease the pain in my heart (: hope to hear from you soon (:

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      1. God Bless Friend. You know ai know one thing Strength is not displayed when things are Good. But real Strength comes from boasting our weakness before God on our knees and asking for help. Real Strength is somethings surrendering totally to God Almighty Father through Jesus Christ His Son and by the power of the Most Holy Spirit. And after surrendering we have to believe that God will turn that impossibility into a glorious victory. And your faith friend will make it possible. Amen Hallelujah. May God of all creation, May God of peace love and victory who is perfect and who has conqured the grave be with you always friend. Hallelujah Come let us Praise His Holy Name. Amen

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  35. powerful post. I’ve never really understood cutting as I have such an aversion to pain. Was interesting to read your thought process as it was going on. Very interesting read.

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  37. Your courage is facing your demons shows a remarkable strength of character, I hope you can become a beacon to those who may find themselves in situations you once found yourself in.

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  38. Wow, your story deeply touches my heart and I am weeping because of the pain you have gone through, and inspired by your bravery telling your story and also in getting help. Your angels are surrounding you, you are loved. God bless you now and always, in all-ways, little one. I am scarred too, for different reasons. And still we must go on, we are here for a reason, you are cherished by many now because of your courage! Fight on and keep shining. Remember you are made of star dust and clay.

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      1. Yes, it’s going to be okay, we live in some strange and POWERful times. Journeying towards the Sun, we are infinite spiritual beings. And although our emotions may seem incredibly overwhelming at times, always remember, we are so much more than our emotions. We are solid like a mountain, or calm like still water. God flows in and through us. I am so proud of you.

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  40. A powerful post. I worked in mental health for most of my career so this kind of thing is very familiar to me. It takes courage to put it out there !
    And thank you for your visit and follow of my blog. SO very much appreciated 🙂

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  41. I read your post last night and wasn’t able to write anything. How are you doing? It’s been a while since you wrote this. I LOVE the after picture and pray you remain that way. You have a great team behind you here. Thank you for your visit and following my blog. Don’t be a stranger now. 🙂 Blessings x Bernice.

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  45. Thank you for following my blog. By return I always seek out the follower and persuade theirs. This post is very powerful and shows great bravery to both write and share. There are many things in life and MH issues that people want to pretend isn’t happening. Raising awareness is a truly excellent thing to do. Sufferers don’t choose to be such, life and experience can affect anyone at any time so it’s important that people recognise it’s not any bodies fault and to support those in need of help to get through. I think embracing the problem and talking about it is totally amazing so kudos to you.

    I also hope that your journey is moving into a better place and that you surround yourself with people that can spur you on and say ‘Yes, you are doing the right thing, but if a bad day falls then say so and talk it through or come over and just chat.’

    Self isolation is a bad thing my new blogging friend…I know this now myself. X

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    1. Thank you (: yes, mental illness is just as important and serious that shouldn’t be taken lightly as physical sickness. No one chooses to be this way. It’s just resulted with no choice. We weren’t given a choice to scream for help for understood. Yes with support and love with care, we can help anyone that’s going through this. By changing our perspective, we can see things differently and lend a helping hand for those that need support. Thank you for the support and love (:

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      1. No need to thank me 😊
        I find it tragic that in this day and age people are still fighting to make people aware of MH issues. Too many still suffer in silence and internalise everything until it’s unbearable. I’m really pleased you can now talk about it and want to show your journey to others who might just see it’s possible to get to the other side of things…keep up the good work x

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      3. People are worth love and support. Despite what politicians and media say, I believe we are all the same underneath and would like everybody to start thinking that way. Same with MH…it’s not something to be pushed under a rug but something that needs to be open and talked about in order to help those going through hard times. Well, that’s my opinion at least x

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      5. And listen…people don’t listen enough anymore. The first signs of a problem are often in the words, eyes and body language. I often feel if things could be caught at that point there’s a chance to avert a deeper or problem or crisis later. Again that’s my thoughts on things…and experience….I do people watch and faces tell many things….I find it very distressing to see good people struggling on their own.

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      6. Yes listening is the key. Some people don’t care they are just to curious (: thank you for sharing your thoughts and opinion. I really appreciate it and I get to know some things better too (:

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      7. I have lots of opinions on loads of things too 👻
        I think for some curious might be because the issues you raised in the post are pretty alien to most people. They’ve heard about it but not really engaged or seen someone that has gone through it. It’s part of that awareness thing. For some it might even be a scary topic for them too because they don’t know how to handle or process it. People touched by MH tend to go straight into conversation about it because it’s not out of their comfort zone and they talk to you as if it’s normal and not stigmatised. I feel that’s why raising awareness is essential. Sufferers are not something to avoid, they are real people with real feelings and want to come to terms with it all and contribute normally….whatever ‘normal’ might be 🙃

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      8. Yes (: maybe the knew about self harm but didn’t know it can be an illness. Yes, they have heard about it but never seen someone going through it and is alien to this kind of situation. Some doesn’t even know how to help them. That’s the kind of people the world needs. The ones that can go into conversations without hesitating and cares instead of being curious. Yes they should not be avoided as they are also humans with real feelings.

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      9. That’s just it…because such things have an almost taboo subject matter the awareness is poor and, in my opinion, as such they have no idea what to say. I just see a real person and as such just talk and see where it goes. I’m a huge advocate of positive engagement. The power of a smile or a simple hello to people can make a big difference to some people. It’s for nobody to judge someone else because each life travels a different path. When those paths cross then it’s up to folk to see it as an opportunity to make a new friend, irrespective of their pasts. Care for who they are not, as you said, some curiosity. On an aside I don’t have a concern about treading on eggshells either….you might have gathered by now I just step into the conversation. I figure if someone I know feels uncomfortable with any of it they should feel able to say so and we change the topic…not hard is it…not really…empathy and caring….goes with another word….friend!

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      10. I can feel the positivity radiating of you hahaha (: just a smile can light up anyone’s day (: opportunities are lost in a blink of an eye but regrets can last a lifetime. Hahaha thank you anyways (:

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      11. I try…otherwise I sink back into my own abyss… Two decades to arrive at the top and look out. Sure not keen on slipping back in now 😱

        It rumbles in my kindness posts and also in a novel I’ve written which seems to have been a cathartic experience. Which is odd as the protagonist is a woman called Rose 🤔

        But…did you just laugh???? If so you just made my day 😊

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      13. Were you always prone to laughter or is this something you’ve embraced in recovery…a new outlook as it were (only answer that if you want to btw)? Yes, I write books. Not published yet but my first project arrived back from my proof reader last week so I’m about to embark on something well out of my comfort zone. Genre wise it’s not everybody’s cup of tea but I don’t expect it to be so that’s ok 😊

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      15. It might be long but you are on the road now yes? From our chats I think you have the ability to do it as long as you believe you can do it. I’ve faith you can 😊
        I’m working on a blurb for it, well will be after I’ve gone through the proofers comments. Hoping to get that done by Friday. I may put that up on my blog too. Might be easier as its a bit hard to do in quick messages here…I ramble on when I get going. Hook up on Facebook if you use it??

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      17. Just sent a friend request 😊 But slightly? I hope this is a going to stick to it slightly…or is that overwhelming positivity…one day at a time…it’s what I get told at least 🤔

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  46. This is an addiction that needs greater awareness. Even though, as a society there is greater acceptance and awareness for mental illnesses, I suspect that cutting still remains largely misunderstood. We need more people like you with the courage to speak out. Thank you for sharing.

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  47. Your story must be inspiring to those struggling physically still. I must say I was glad of the after pictures and that I hope they still applies. Your section referencing the ice in the middle of your article reminded me of a documentary I saw years ago. A doctor who was in the middle of this trying to help those who suffer and who hope to ease their suffering this way somehow using self harm, suggested and has advocated for years the use of frozen items – pain can be generated and with less harmful side effects of blood poisoning and other related things happening. I am not sure how helpful this is but that was the thrust of his work.

    I sill don’t understand what drives this fully, but remember to dig deep and often with most of our ills, we blame ourselves and that is the fundamental mistake…it nearly always always is not the case and we are wrong to do so. Fill any voids with self worth and as you mention you believe, I do not, but do appreciate what a power and comfort that is today, Keep using that to feel loved and know you belong. All of us feel alone even when not at some point, we have to fight it…and not enable ourselves with the wrong tools. And if you feel lost for a second write it down, use your pen – that is a mighty weapon you have there and a lot of good could be done for others who need Your support and similarly they should too.

    As I say I couldn’t be further removed (apart from depression) from this, but I feel anyone who has or is suffering, often again through no fault of their own and in need or wanting so many things we all take for granted…should not have to alone.

    Keep strong and drive your energies to helping others and by doing that – helping yourself as you do. Good luck.

    Oh yes, thank you for following me, whatever that does mean in this crazy world – but less crazy if you believe in yourself – it’s the rest of them who can be crazy lol.

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    1. I hope they are inspiring and helping others out there that struggled with any form of self harm. And do you have the link to the video? (: sometimes we use pain to relieve pain that’s why we result in things that destroys us. Instead of giving everyone else a chance we should learn to love ourselves and give US a chance to see things from a different point of view (: thank you for the love and support (:

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  54. This must have took so much bravery to write a personal post about something one wouldn’t normally share about. Thank you. I needed this. So many people have needed this, and we have it thanks to your courage and bravery. Thank you. Thank you so much. 🙂

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  56. You know what, I completely admire you. And despise you in a way. There are a couple of reasons.
    1. You are brave. Yes, Everyone comes across some sort of pain and they cope with it differently. And I agree that causing pain is not the best way, but sometimes its the only way. I am not encouraging it, but it’s better than what I did.
    2. You are a fighter. You don’t let some pain let you down. The coping mechanism is not advised but again, it let’s you see another day.
    3. You never gave up. There comes a time when we are so vexed at things that we give up and feel the best way to end all this pain and suffering is to end it(yourself), which was what my problem was.
    So, yeah, I despise you for being that fighter living another day and never giving up.

    I hope things turn up better for you, if they aren’t already. And god, take care of yourself. Seriously, the cuts looks scary.

    PS : Sorry for the long comment. I write a lot (of nonsense), I guess

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      5. Now is not the time. A decade ago was the right time.
        May be I have been. May be not.
        Yeah, if only change was easy. And wait, what change ? How could change change something that it had failed to do for the past decade or so.
        But thank you, nonetheless. 🙂

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      8. I know you can pull through this (: you will and I believe in you (: there’s always going to be hard days but it’s never going away. It’s up to us whether we accept what we think we deserve and move on (:

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      9. Aren’t you a kind and hopeful soul. Thank you for that. 🙂

        There are two kinds of people :
        1. Who know that something bad has happened, likewise and give their everything to make it right or move on by accepting their flaws and working on them.
        2. Who give up because of something that happened, that is happening or will happen. And they even give up on the last stand of hope that keeps the people afloat and mind at peace. When that eeny miny tiny hope is also lost, that is when the whole world collapses around them. Unfortunately, there’s just one person. Guess who?

        Reading this would give you the impression that some people are so stubborn that they are not even trying to change, not even looking at the possibility of a bright side to things, no matter how many examples and hopeful words are being ushered at them, so hopeless, such a lost cause. (You may or may not be feeling so. Just a general presumption). So, that’s where I stand. 😐

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  57. Hi. I just read your post “Survivor.” I received it by email, but couldn’t get to it on your blog to like or comment. So I’ll leave my comment here. I can tell you are well acquainted with the illnesses of depression, anxiety, and schizophrenia. You describe them well, and personally. Knowledge is power, and you have acquired power by acquiring knowledge and by articulating that knowledge to yourself and to others. So, with that power, please stay with us another day. You are smart and worthy and deserving. Have hope and pursue healing. Keep contributing to those around you, which I know you do. God bless.

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    1. Thank you for the comment and I will publish that article soon. Hahaha it was not meant to be published and I accidentally did (: there’s some editing going on right now I will be sure to publish it as soon as I can (: thank you (:

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  60. Thank you for sharing this. There is a girl in my family that is struggling with self harm, and she seems to be getting better. Thank you for following my blog! Hopefully, you will see something there to raise your spirits. 🙂

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  61. Hi scarsandsilence I have no idea how you must feel but there are so many with addictions and pressure. My way of relieving my tensions and depression is to write. Thank you for wanting to share my poetry adventure. Very interested in all things paranormal conspiracy theories and observing life! Writing is a passion that keeps me sane and alive! Thank you for sharing how you feel hope you will keep in touch. Great to meet you The Foureyed Poet.

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  62. Thank you so much for this post, it can be very challenging to find an honest and realistic articulation of the struggles of self-harm. Your post is thoughtful, reflective, and inspiring, and I deeply respect you for your resilience.

    One thing I might note though, is that many will find the images as perhaps the most severely triggering. I think it’s powerful to include them in your post, but the first image also serves as the thumbnail on your homepage, which may prove unexpected and unwarranted for those who are liable to be triggered by such content.

    Again, thank you so much for sharing, this brings about a message too often left untold.

    Peace, love, empathy
    ¬ static

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    1. Thank you and yes (: I included the warning that it may be triggering for some but I wanted to show the road my road to recovery. I was reluctant at first to attach those pictures but I figured my purpose is to not trigger anybody but to help and show them they could do it to (:

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  63. When we lay our personal demons at the mercy of the outside world, tied to the stake to be judged and sometimes burned, we give a little of our soul.

    It takes courage to leave yourself open to the opinion of others. Thank you for your courage.

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  66. I am glad you have found your way out of this. We are never the ugliness that is around us, and that ugliness does not deserve our pain. Praying with boundless hope on your healing journey. Thanks, too for following my blog.

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  69. This is so beautiful you know, letting go of all fear of society’s conformity and posting this here deserves an applaud. This reminds me of a dear friend of mine, who unfortunately succumbed to the scars of the past and is no more. But this is just amazing how you deal with the shit people throw at you. Keep inspiring and keep writing. Cheers

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  70. This is a very difficult subject, but you have written about it very well. I have struggled in the past, but your words are encouraging. I hope you’re better now, and I really think this will help other people xx

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  72. Reading some of your posts, I am doubly honored that you chose to follow Virtual Vitamins. May the words I write be channels of God’s love, hope, and courage to you, not only for your sake but also for all that you touch with the gift of writing that you exercise so well.

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  73. I am so sad for you that you’ve been suffering through such a terrible addiction. I am currently in the process of editing my novel The Curse of Time. One of my central characters suffers from depression and cuts herself. I’ve struggled to write this character but I’m finding your blog to be such a fund of information. I now feel more confident that reading your posts will help me write a more authentic and true account.

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  74. I used to be just like this story…. that’s an understatement, I still am.This addiction never goes away. but now that I only battle it in my mind, I wish someone was there for me to tell me that closing paragraph of yours, when I was battling it with my body as well.
    Thank you for sharing this!

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    1. We have to find new ways and alternatives to cope with self harm (: you have my love and support throughout your journey of recovery (: you’re welcome (: you will stay in my prayers (:

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  77. The emotional pain doesn’t just happen. It is caused not only by things and people around you. Certainly, feeding the brain with strange or harsh substances cannot pass by unnoticed. The way brain chemicals act, behave and interact is heavily affected by the stuff brain cells are exposed to. There is sometimes no way back because the damage is too widespread and we cannot kill something endlessly since at one point it will die, and that happens to the brain cells which still are in control of our everything. I’d say if that’s not an inherited condition, but a result of addiction, you can still do something before it is too late. Normal brain does not have a self-destructive function, it’s straight the opposite:; all our internal resources are designed to save us and prevent the death by any means. There is no point in killing oneself. There just isn’t. We only live once. In addiction, some parts or all of the brain is functioning under an insane pressure and the brain mass is decreasing. I hope there is still time for you to go back because we can develop and grow new neurons and, therefore, reverse the damage before it is too late. Judging by content of your blog, you most likely would be interested in reading my secondary blog which doesn’t show up when I’m commenting, etc.: https://inesepogalifeschool.com/
    I hope there is a way for you to overcome your addiction. This might seem impossible, but you can do it as many others have. My secondary blog has sad posts, too, because I haven’t been in a very great place for a while. It also offers solutions.

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    1. Thank you and yes it happens because the chemical imbalance in my brain causing my thoughts to swirl around the wrong places (: Thank you for your understanding and I will be sure to read your blog (:

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  78. Any advice I could offer you would be meaningless, futile even. You are far more sensitive, intelligent and aware than I am. A beautiful person in fact. So all I can do is send you good Karma. Wrap yourself up in it like a warm fluffy blanket and know you are not alone. Wishing you all the very best.

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  80. I use to self mutilate therefore I know the feeling oh so well. Now praise be to God I am a vessel used to help others in these situations. Thanks for being authentic and transparent!! Keep pressing your way through for there is a greater light at the end of the tunnel!

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  81. I tried to choke myself every now and then whether on times if anxiety or depression. Although I am out of depression but I still suffer from its consequences and so can relate to your post well.It did provide me temporary relief but never was I satisfied.
    Thanks for sharing and I am really glad that you made efforts to get over it.Take care,I love you a lot!:)

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  84. Thank you for writing this. I have the same compulsion – My excuse was always a “pragmatic” transfer of pain, but it’s indicative of underlying issue.

    I’m on vacation now with “carpal tunnel” and a corresponding brace to hide it from my family. It’s tough looking in the mirror and seeing something that nobody else sees, harder still to bear the burden of believing I deserve to be hurt.

    God bless, and I hope that you are well (and am on a good road).

    Grey Brother Seeonee

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