I do not promote self harm in this article. The pictures maybe triggering and I would advice its your risk to go on further. This article is to help spread awareness (: . Sorry for the triggering
———WARNING, THIS ARTICLE MAYBE TRIGGERING—————
1 cut, 2 cut, 3
Cut more. Look at the blood flowing. Isn’t the feeling pleasing to see the blood oozing out through the parted skin? Keep relapsing as you know how good the feeling is when the edge of the blade kisses your skin to relieve the emotional pain you’re going through.
Self destruction is something you have taken and given your life to it as its the only option or purpose you have. No one wants to hear it’s getting worse. Everyone wants to know you’re getting better. Lying will always be easy for you. You have me.
Waking up the next day has never been harder. The burning sensation when the water hits the razor-ed skin has never felt this good. The toughest choice of the day would be the choice of clothes to wear. Something long sleeves even though it’s scorching hot outside. Why long sleeves you ask? Nothing, because it’s comfortable to wear and its my favourite sweatshirt. Avoid myself from rolling my sleeves up although the weather is not complying. Just like any other day, nothing is different about today. The day went on as usual until my friend grabs my hand really hard applying pressure to the open wounds causing it to bleed through the bandage. I flinch from the hold and they knew something was up. They told me to roll my sleeves up and caught a glimpse of tiny scratches made on the wrist of my arm. “Cat scratch” was the only reply I could muster. They gave a wary look and I told them it’s nothing, so they brushed it off. Another lie, simple as it is.
Back home, I hurried to the room and locked myself. I stripped bare and observed myself upon the mirror standing in front of me. I took off the bloody bandage swaddled on my hand and stared at my hand. The blood stopped oozing out but the dark red lines remain marked on my skin. I stare at the scars around my body. Stomach, hands and thighs, all marked with a story. I turned on the shower and let the same burning sensation coursed through my body. My legs started trembling and all of a sudden I was laying on the bathroom floor bawling my eyes out, whole body quavering. Realization hit me like a bullet. I only have myself and myself is all I need to get back on my feet again.
Addictions are hard to give in and difficult to end. People with an addiction do not have control in what they are doing. Some addictions could reach to the point where it’s harmful to someone physical, emotional and mental being.What about addiction to your own destruction? Whether it’s cutting, burning, bruising, carving, hair pulling or ingesting of toxic substances, an addiction is an addiction. This self destruction can be a way of coping with problems, rough experiences in past life, difficult feelings or overwhelming situations.
We use pain to relieve the emotional pain we are going through. Self destruction is one of the way that strikes the mind and we tend to harm ourselves. Strange but the pain relieves us.
To me, to see the blood oozing out from my skin is one of the biggest relieve ever. Like all the world’s problem wash out from me. Like for the first time everything seemed right. Cutting is an addiction to me, and I been doing it for over a year now. With each cut I make, I feel like I deserve it. I miss seeing the similar red lines from the cuts I make. The feeling of emptiness rushes over my bare skin when it’s not scarred.
Trying to stop cutting is like trying to stop breathing. An addiction will stay as an addiction. To those survivors that keep fighting, it’s going to be worth every day. Cutting is a way of coping but there’s other ways to cope with pain and this is not the end. You can always grab onto some ice and hold it, let the feeling numb the pain away. You are worth it. You don’t deserve the cuts you make. Let the past remain as a scar for you to move forward with a better hope because there’s always hope out there. Save yourself from a heart full of pain and sorrow.Recovery is waiting for the fallen angels. Fight until the end. Fight the faceless enemy within because you are stronger than the voices in your head. You are your own voice. It’s time to face the faceless enemy. Put the blade down because you know you’re worth it.
For the fighters out there visit thehopeline.org