Dear agony.

Look over there, that chirpy captivated girl/guy laughing along with her/his group of bosom buddy. Keep looking and you will find that girl/guy looking away and the smile gradually lose its brightness. That smile continues to grow dim and slowly a thin line appears. Have you questioned what runs through their mind at that time? What kind of thoughts that swims through the head?  What are they thinking about? You see them quiet and still just staring into vast space with a blank face. For a minute it seems like the whole world caved in around them and they are left detached from their surroundings. The next minute they are back to reality laughing, talking to their mates.

She goes back home and locks herself in the room. Behind locked doors many things happen. She could be talking to herself telling how bad her day was, how the teacher scolded her for forgetting her assignments, or how her mum was too busy to even acknowledge her presence at home not even sparing a glance , asking how her day went. She could be on her bed staring at the ceiling, thinking about how much burden she could be to the world, thinking how better to just end it all, or just thinking maybe tomorrow wont be as bad as today was, slowly into deep slumber. She could be on her roof staring at moonlight, talking to the man on the moon, inner voicing out her sorrows and troubles upon the moon bargaining her life for the happiness of the people she love around her. Behind closed doors she could be hurting herself letting go of the pain she been holding on.

Everyone struggles through something we might not know off seeing as they look fine on the outside, but what about how they feel? Opinions that matter or thoughts that should taken a count for? Some nights you can bear the whole world on your shoulders and some nights you just couldn’t take the agony. Depression isn’t sadness. Just as cell growth is normal in a person, we call out of control cell growth an illness, we call it cancer. Depression is exactly the same. Depression is when a normal, human emotion gets out of control to the point where it is no longer normal. Depression is a mental illness that affects our  way of thinking, emotions, perceptions, and behaviors in a way where we lose interest in everything we used to love once. It consumes our daily lifestyle whispering things behind our ears.

“Depression isn’t a choice. It never was. It’s the smile that seems too heavy for your mouth, it’s the breath that you can’t take. Depression is hearing a voice that no one else can hear. Depression is like a shadow. It’s always there, but you can’t always see it. Depression is the forest with the giant trees and the thorny bushes.  You can get out of it, but slowly and not without visible wounds. Depression is a cell that constantly gets smaller and I’ve swallowed the key of the only exit. Depression is like a tight rope around your neck, and the longer you try to fight for your life, the tighter the rope gets. Depression is like standing in front of an accelerating train and not wanting to step aside, because it seems like a relief. There are times when you fall back into the hole of depression and you feel like there’s no victory, but don’t think that you can’t go on. Like ants can carry 10 to 50 times their own body weight, you can carry the cross of depression. Fight every second of the day.” -Mugilan

“I put my earphones on and play a track that suits the situation I was in as I lock myself in a dark room with only minimal amount of light as it affects me emotionally.” -Fahad

To me depression was like a ghost of someone. A stream. It feels like I’m walking upstream through a current strong enough to pull me below. There are others with me, but they are walking along the banks telling me to “just get out of the water instead of helping me up. They would continue moving along the banks, leaving me to suffocate behind. Every once and then, I would find a rock that is strong enough for me to lean on so I can rest and recover from the cuts and pain caused by the stream. But the rocks always get tired of holding me up, and when they let go, I’m left asphyxiating, thrown 50ft back again. After everything, there’s nothing more harder than trying to stand up in that current when everything’s inside you is screaming to just let yourself get drowned.

Life is not easy living with depression. With every step you take there’s always someone or something inside you that’s telling you to not take that step. There’s always something holding you back from doing the things you love, from being genuinely happy, from smiling to everyone you meet. Depression is like faceless enemy but as God said to love your enemies, we should learn to love our depression, Yes, it might have brought us to sleepless nights, tear stained pillows, cold shoulders for everyone around us, masks to cover up how we feel, hurting ourselves, hating how we look and contemplating life but look where we have come up so far because of depression. We have survived the wrath depression. We understand how is it like to live with depression and how to treat people around us because we don’t know their story.


Dear depression,

Thank you for coming into my life and changing the way my perspective is. But I would like for you to leave now. Thank you for the times you made me understand  someone’s feelings. Thank you for the times you made me realized how much pain can someone go through with depression. Thank you for showing me how strong I can be. Now, tonight I just want you to leave. Enough sleepless nights where i contemplate my life. Enough of staining my pillows with tears of the silent cry from the pain. Enough of the time when I lay down on the bathroom floor bawling my eyes out for the past I had. 

 

Enough of the cuts I make to let the pain relief the pain I’m going through because of you. Enough of taking the people I love away from me. This time, I stand on my ground ready to face the road of recovery. I would not listen to your whispering’s anymore because I can make my own choice. I can learn to love again. I can be loved because I for one know there’s people out there that are capable of loving someone like me with my scars and  broken heart. I know there’s people out there who cares. And I know there’s always God giving us a second chance at life to see how far we can get through you. Enough is enough. I believe we are all strong fighters that can fight through you. For once, let us do it our way without your saying. 

Thank you.

To all the fighters out there, keep fighting because the road to recovery is still there and never gone.
Contact thehopeline.org if you need someone to talk to too (: 

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111 thoughts on “Dear agony.

  1. omg i can relate so much with this. you know when you’re in the car and it’s pouring down rain, you go under the bridge and everything stops. Everything is silent and is almost peaceful.Then you finally get from under the bridge, and everything hits you harder than before. because sometimes I feel like I hate everyone and escaping reality, move further from everyone so no one would get hurt. I don’t mind striking up a conversation with random people but there are times too where I love wearing headphones because there’s a party in my head and no one’s invited. I’m here to say you’ve come a long way and im so so proud of who you are today. we’re here for you stay strong xx all the love

    Liked by 15 people

    1. Thank you for your reply! And yes I know that feeling (: I love the rain because for once I feel like it washed away my burdens that’s been holding me back from everything. I don’t hate everyone but myself because of how I am treating others giving them cold shoulders because of those voices in my head. It’s not a party for me it’s like a death trap. Well the road to recovery is there and we can conquer it together (: thank you for believing in me and others (: we are all one in this (:

      Liked by 4 people

    1. How can you relate to this (: ? I’m sorry if you have ever felt that way but don’t worry (: you have come up this far for a reason and you’re here now living (: there’s hope but we just gotta believe it (: I know you can too (:

      Liked by 4 people

    1. I understand how you feel. Sometimes I feel the same way too. I give it all I have but in return I don’t get appreciated. People are too busy to realize their priorities and that’s kind of saddening for this generation. Don’t stop loving (: because you’re worth it. Don’t stop being you because someone will equally give you what you’re giving. Maybe the time is not right but there’s always God writing your miracles for it to happen, it might be little things you may not realize but you are always loved. I’m sorry you have felt that way but trust me (: there’s always someone other there (: even me (: you may not realize it but we all tend to miss out on the small things in life. You are always loved by people who appreciates you (: you are loved by me and plenty of others out there but you just may not realize it now (:

      Liked by 6 people

      1. Thanks, a recent life crisis sent me into a brief tailspin, but things are beginning to look up (you can read about it on my blog if you are so inclined). I have a good support system of wonderful people.

        Liked by 5 people

  2. Thank you, I really liked this post and thought you accurately summed up what it’s like to deal with depression. I want to be interested in things and I was to talk to people but I just can’t. I want to be happy and not wallowed in sorrow, but I can’t. One day hopefully I will be able to πŸ™‚

    Liked by 9 people

    1. With that hearty hope of yours you will get to reach your dreams (: anxiety holds us back and it’s hard to talk to people but if we try slowly and take small steps, it will make a difference (: You can help make a difference in someone’s life (:

      Liked by 4 people

      1. Never give up! If it’s one thing that I’ve learned over the years is that giving up doesn’t get you into a better place. Maybe you’re going as fast as a woolly mammoth through a tar pit, but always keep moving forward!

        Liked by 7 people

      2. Hahaha that’s a nice one (: to be honest giving up has made me realize things and it has lead me to get back on my feet again (: I mean you need a little thunderstorm for the rainbow to appear right (:

        Liked by 1 person

      3. So true, you don’t know you’ve been up until you’re down. When I wrote my first novel I literally got high. I then realised that my life isn’t as bad as I thought it was. It was the way I was perceiving it. ‘Through the blue curtain’ I call it. You have to force your brain to look at the real picture, to push the curtain aside. Only your brain can do it. And brains are more powerful than you think!

        Liked by 5 people

      4. I agree with you (: they are the most powerful and influential complex system in our body.its the way we think is how we perceive it (: shouldn’t force ourself (: recovery takes time and it requires a step by step practice (: and you will be there in no time (:!

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Hi, Sunshine! First of all, you are so inspiring! Secondly, thank you for stopping by my blog and following the ish! Much love (and sunshine) to you! πŸ™‚ Here’s an imaginary cookie for ya. Have a great day/night! ❀

    Liked by 8 people

  4. Pain is inevitable but then if u see life , its wonderful because u face exams first and then u learn the lesson .. every pain u face might be a blessing in disguise because life has thought u how to deal with it .. love it very much

    Liked by 6 people

    1. Thank you for reading and yes (: it maybe difficult and almost brought myself to suiciding, I’m still here. I learn to love my depression and schizophrenia as they thought me somethings. They thought me how to treat people and their feelings. And I’m happy for what I have been through that has brought me here

      Liked by 3 people

      1. you should never hurt yourself .. you do not gain anything .. but yes u r doing it right by writing .. this way u can express your emotions and u will feel relieved too.. one thing i have learned is not to get scared of pain .. do not retreat .. im always with u in this journey..

        Liked by 5 people

      2. Thank you for believing in me. I used to hurt myself. I’m never scared of of pain, it only relives me more (: I used to love writing now I don’t. I stopped loving the things I do that I used to love, and now writing is one of it too. I’m trying to find my muse again but it’s going to take time (:

        Liked by 3 people

  5. You have such a beautiful blog! One of a stand outs from many that i have visited. So much talent as well, i enjoyed reading this post but it has got me dead curious as to why the publish date is at late January. Do you have another updated site that you are running or currently at a halt Bud?
    Being a new blogger sailing through the tides and discovering new places, I am so glad to have discovered yours. I am a fan already with this one post. Cezane πŸ™‚

    Liked by 8 people

      1. Maybe that’s why the URL is scars and silence? I hope the scars vanish by the magic of words around the blogging world and may your voice come back loudest for everyone to hear your call. Feel free to visit our blog and let us know if any post gets you to think of something you can write about as well. We will be glad to help, a collaboration perhaps. Keep me posted Bud. – Your Fan( Psychedelic Bay) πŸ™‚

        Liked by 6 people

      2. Scars will remain but the agony to it will vanish slowly (: and I will come back the strongest (: thank you for believing in me (: I will give your blog a visit and yes we can collab sometime soon (: I will (: thank you (:

        Liked by 2 people

  6. So courageously and honestly shared!…Your words, your thoughts, your feelings are shared and understood by so many, as you can see from all the great comments. Thanks again so much for sharing yourself in such a sincere and beautiful way…you are helping others by doing so. I really enjoyed reading what you had to say. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 7 people

    1. Thank you so much for taking your time and reading my work (: I share what I feel to help others and inspire people out there to see the brighter side of life. It’s through the cracks the light can shine through. I want to help those to believe again (: there’s always hope (: thank you Sooo much (;

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Thank you for this amazing insight into the moment by moment battle of depression. You have really helped me to see, to feel, to grieve. My father suffered deep depression, and was living with me when he tried to end his life. I have to fend off depression…but nothing like what dad went through or what you describe. Oh precious girl…we are cheering for you, we are cheering you on in your recovery. You are so very brave. HUGS.

    Liked by 6 people

      1. Yes it is (: that’s the sweeter side of life (: life is worth fighting because in the end it won’t let you down (: If God gives so much of trouble to someone, it means His gonna help them soon enough.

        Liked by 2 people

  8. This is so beautiful it made me cry. I suffere from depression for so long but I got help last year and slowly I was able to push through it. This post resonates so deeply with me. Stay strong and keep fighting there is light at the end of the tunnel I promise.

    Liked by 6 people

  9. So glad you’re still here and able to express yourself and the magnitude of your feelings (whatever they are) in a healthy way. People need to hear your voice and hear about your healing process. Glad we’ve crossed paths!

    Liked by 5 people

  10. Wow! It looks like you touched a good many souls out there. I have been wondering if that’s what I have been going through, so thanks. I will be 70 this year and I’ve never looked my age, but this year suddenly it felt like I was catching up to my number and it brought me down. The picture you see of me below is only two years old, so you can see what I mean. I’ve been alone a great deal as well and it is not a good thing. I moved and have tried to meet people but it’s California and people lead very busy lives and don’t have time for anyone new in their life. It has been hard. I thought maybe I should get a job just to have people to interact with.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Do what you love with all your heart then you wouldn’t feel alone (: yes people here are always with their lives but nobody is to busy, it’s just matter of priorities (: there’s always someone for us, and those we meet along the way are either a lesson or a chapter.

      Liked by 2 people

  11. You are a very courageous and wise young woman. Despite all your pain, still you can begin to see what your pain has taught you, you have learned to be more empathetic, and you have found value from suffering. This is the measure of true strength. You are so strong–I can see it between the lines of your writing. I know the fight is hard. Keep fighting. But when you are too tired to fight, don’t give up. Just be. Allow the feelings to swirl around and within you, but know that you are not the feelings. You are just the vessel. Let them swirl, and know that you are not the storm. You are the calm. Thank you also for your courage to write so well about your struggles. You really do understand deeply about depression and suffering. I am going to follow your blog, and I promise that I will read and comment on everything you write. It may take me a few days, but I will do it. Remember: you have value; you have more strength than you know; you are smart; you are beautiful you.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Thank you (: though I’m not really one. I’m quite a weak hearted person I must say. But there is somedays I give up but not entirely letting it consume my life. The fight is hard but I believe I would be rewarded in the end (: in some situations, my feelings take over and it happens and I’m thrown back six feet under. Thank you for this comment. It really made my day (: I will fight as long as this heart can take (: thank you very much (: πŸ’™

      Liked by 2 people

  12. Your expression of your pain is breath-takingly, hauntingly, powerfully beautiful! For those who know, this is so relatable–and, for those who don’t–your words spell it out for them….and, it speaks to how amazingly-resilient and giving you are that you offer hope and encouragement and information about where to find help…God bless you…you are such a blessing….a light in the dark…keep going…rest as needed, but don’t ever give up…you are loved….thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 4 people

  13. I believed “cutting” let out all the pain, the people that hurt me” but it did not. What drives us to survive, what gives us the strength to carry on? We are stronger than we know and knowing there are others who have been there so helps.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. I relate to it so much, it’s so honest and brutal. I used to suffer from depression in my mid-teens, I remember the sickening feeling of anxiety and the lack of interest in anything.
    This was beautiful. Also, love the Breaking benjamin references.

    Liked by 1 person

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